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 Post subject: Satire: Unreleased Jimmy Page riff to be retrieved from secr
PostPosted: Thu Mar 08, 2007 9:50 pm 
Satire: Unreleased Jimmy Page riff to be retrieved from secret vault

POSTED: 5:41 p.m. EST, March 8, 2007


GWYNEDD, Wales (The Onionexternal link) -- Calling it the planet's last, best hope for saving rock music, the Guardians of the Protectorate of Rock announced Monday that they would take the extraordinary step of unleashing a never-before-heard Jimmy Page riff, hidden for decades in a mythic, impenetrable vault.

"We who believe in the immortality of rock took a vow 30 years ago that we would never release this incredibly powerful force unless we faced a Day of Reckoning -- and that day has come," said Black Sabbath guitarist Tony Iommi, one of the chosen few who helped forge the Secret Vault to Save Rock and Roll, at a press conference in the Welsh highlands. "Just look at the pop charts, and you shall know I speak the truth."

"Let's give rock and roll its #%*@ing balls back," he added.

The Guardians said recent developments in the music world, such as the unaccountable popularity of the Dixie Chicks and Sufjan Stevens, have created a "perfect storm of lameness" from which rock might never recover. While Iommi refused to say when the vault would be opened, hard-rock sources believe it will take place just prior to next month's Fall Out Boy-Honda Civic tour, which many fear will suck the remaining lifeblood from all that still rocks.

"Citizens of Rock, we refuse to stand idly by any longer," ZZ Top founder and Protectorate High Elder Billy Gibbons said. "When a puss like James Blunt is allowed to rule the airwaves, we must respond by exposing this monster riff, and blowing minds into the stratosphere."

The Protectorate, devoted to the preservation of badass jams and blistering guitar solos, was reportedly formed in the 1970s during the rise of adult contemporary music. According to legend, the riff, played only once by Page and recorded on a special cobalt record, contains the raw power, mind-blowing skill, and unbridled passion of all the Guardians combined. Recently translated parchments from the era describe it as a soul-searing power-chord progression faintly resembling a cross between "Smoke On The Water" and "Living Loving Maid," but "basically defying all description."

It is believed that, upon the riff's release, even those who claim that the genre is dead will have no choice but to pump their fists, bang their heads, and bow down to the gods of rock for all eternity.

"May God have mercy on our souls for what we are about to set loose upon the world," proclaimed Queen guitarist Brian May, dressed in druidic robes and bathed in the rising blue smoke of a nearby fog machine. "Will it save rock or destroy mankind? We have no way of knowing -- yet we have no other choice."

Members of the Protectorate were each given only partial information about the location of the vault, which they were instructed to open in unison only in the event of a total Rockopalypse. While some believed the vault was buried in Boston, Chicago, Kansas, Europe, or Asia, others claimed it could be found in the Court of the Crimson King.

However, after piecing together clues hidden in Yes album covers and Pink Floyd liner notes, rock historians now believe the riff is locked away deep beneath the Welsh countryside house known as Bron-Yr-Aur, at rock-grid coordinates SH735026. British weather satellites have also photographed an enormous cloud, shaped like a hybrid of an upside-down question mark and cross, forming above these exact coordinates.

The vault's Key, regarded as too staggering a burden for any one man to bear, was divided in two parts, with half entrusted to Eddie Van Halen and half to David Lee Roth, shortly after Roth left the rock supergroup Van Halen. The two men, who have refused to work together for 20 years, recently announced plans for a historic reunion tour.

"Before we shake Heaven and Earth with the vicious power of this riff, we of the High Council of Elders of the Guardians of the Protectorate of Rock ask you: Are you about to rock?" AC/DC guitarist Angus Young said. "If so, we salute you."

When asked to comment on the possible dangers of using the riff, Sir Paul McCartney seemed surprised.

"There's a secret vault to save rock and roll?" McCartney said. "This is the first I've heard of it."


Editor's note: This may look like a real news story, but it isn't. It is from The Onion, a humor publication that calls itself "America's finest news source." CNN may beg to differ, but we do enjoy a good laugh and hope you will enjoy a weekly selection of their satire.


 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Mar 08, 2007 11:40 pm 
The Ultimate Alice Cooper Fan
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LOL!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Mar 09, 2007 7:42 am 
The Ultimate Metal Master
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wow, i was going to say if that was real it's one of the cheesiest things I've read recently lol.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Mar 10, 2007 12:03 am 
The Lord of Destruction
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Dragon235 wrote:
wow, i was going to say if that was real it's one of the cheesiest things I've read recently lol.


:evil: NEVER MAKE FUN OF THE GUARDIANS!!! :evil:

Just who do you think is the librarian for the Guardians of the Protectorate of Rock? 8)

The Lord of Destruction, RockHard the Magnificent!

Be silent, heathen... or you will be condemned to an eternity of servitude as Madonna's personal shaver, Britney Spears personal hygenist and the sole moderator at Boy George's International Forum of Fruitcakes! :shock:

You have been warned, waterboy... :wink:
:BB Steve

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Mar 10, 2007 1:52 am 
RockHard wrote:
Dragon235 wrote:
wow, i was going to say if that was real it's one of the cheesiest things I've read recently lol.


:evil: NEVER MAKE FUN OF THE GUARDIANS!!! :evil:


What he said!


 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Mar 10, 2007 8:27 am 
The Ultimate Metal Master
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Favorite Band: Iced Earth,Blackmore's Night,The Coop
not making fun of the people lol, but that whole idea is kinda funny.

especially Steve being the librarian ;)

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Mar 11, 2007 11:46 pm 
The Lord of Destruction
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Dragon235 wrote:
not making fun of the people lol, but that whole idea is kinda funny.

especially Steve being the librarian ;)


That did it... You have been officially deleted from the "Archives of All Things That Rock"... :evil:

...and worse yet, you have also been added to the multiple-volume "List of People That Can Just Kiss My Hairy White Ass"... 8)

Sorry... but you brought it on yourself... :P

:BB Steve

_________________
"I told you... that we could fly... 'Cause we all have wings... but some of us don't know why..."
~ Michael Hutchens (RIP)


"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans..."
~ John Lennon (RIP)


"Don't get cute... Don't get funny now... It's later than you think..."
~ Greg Kihn


"As we celebrate mediocrity... all the boys upstairs wanna see...
How much you'll pay... for what you used to get for free..."

~ Tom Petty


Image

"I think you'd better ask yourself... before you criticize me...
Are you a victim of the System... or the Powers-That-Be?
If there was nothing to gain... would you do it for free?"

~ Sammy Hagar


"I was glad to come... I'll be sad to go... So while I'm here... I'll have me a real good time..."
~ Rod Stewart (The Faces)


"The earth can shake... The sky come down... The mountains all... fall to the ground...
But I will fear... none of these things... Shelter me, Lord... underneath your wings..."

~ Buddy Miller


"Rock hard... Ride free... All your life..."
~ Rob Halford


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